When my daughter was born she came out spirited, passionate, strong-willed and with her own way of doing everything. She never wanted to be told what to do; she was determined and we were immediately on a collision course with my traditional parenting ideas.

 

How could I do my job as a good parent if teaching her the right way to do something would push her buttons and send her into a tantrum and fits of obstinance? I couldn’t see that learning was messy by definition and trying to control it and her was ridiculous.

 

We would get into battles that were awful, intense, and traumatizing. These interactions disrupted the whole family. I needed support and found resources like Nonviolent Communication (NVC), Brené Brown, the Enneagram and Pema Chodron.

 

I learned that my emotions were messengers and crucial to experience to be an integrated, high functioning, wholehearted person. Intentionally feeling discomfort was counter-intuitive to me, because in my race to get straight A's and excel in my career, I had unconsciously decided feelings were messy, inconvenient, often overwhelming, and scary; especially embarrassment, uncertainty, shame, fear and anger.

 

Learning the purpose of emotions was amazing and necessary because every time I turned around, my daughter expressed feelings...loudly. She was angry when I said ‘no’ to cookies before dinner. She was inconsolable when we had to leave the park. She would rage when her sister took a toy. She was resistant and cranky when it was time for bed.

 

I had secretly hoped that NVC was going to help me deal with her emotional outbursts and get me back in control. I had no idea how to be ‘successful’ here. I would either shut down frustrated and give in or get angry yell and punish  her.

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I wanted to learn more about resolving conflict so I trained to become a Mediator and practiced Conflict Resolution for 10 years. I saw first hand how being human is tough, but can also be beautiful, vulnerable and full of understanding.

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The happy ending part is what developed out of my frustration, training and coaching; the 5 Steps to Connect with Your Strong Willed Child Framework. These are straight forward, important steps you can practice to move from surviving to thriving.

 

Remember: it is never too late to connect with those we love. the connection you yearn for is possible.

 

You aren't alone and it doesn't have to be this hard.