5 Simple Steps to Set Limits/ Boundaries/ Agreements with Your Child
Children need and thrive within the structure of rules/limits AND dislike/resist them. They resist anything that curtails their power and limits their control, but also feel safer when they know where the boundaries are.
Consistency is important in creating and enforcing these. Don't be surprised when they (and you!) get intensely angry when they bump up against a rule/boundary and emotionally release pent up energy. One of the benefits of a parent coach is to help you stay the course when these intense emotions come up.
Be a safe harbor for their emotional storm. Stay as objective as possible and emotionally neutral as this is necessary and healthy for them. Also their reaction is not AT nor about you (even though it usually feels like an attack to your nervous system. More on this in the next in the blog in our series on Setting and Holding Effective Boundaries.)
To start, schedule uninterrupted time alone with you and your parenting partner or close friend, best when you are both centered and calm. Discuss the top 3-5 behaviors that are disrupting current family life the most. Follow the attached PDF: 5 Simple Steps to Setting Agreements. Be sure to write what you come up with down.
For steps 2 and 3, include your older children (7-17) so they feel considered and empowered.
For the health and safety of all kids, especially for younger kids, it is wise for you, the adults, to decide some of these rules/agreements and the consequences as the Captains of the family ship.
Mark your calendar when you start this version of the rules/agreements and be ready to re-evaluate after 1-3-6 months as kids change and the family's needs change.
When, not if, an agreement/limit is broken, your child is not ‘bad’ they are developmentally normal; it is their job to test limits. Say as few words as possible pointing to the written sheet and enforce the limit and agreed consequence. (they will try to renegotiate; they will get angry; this is normal. More on how to handle your child ‘Resisting’ in next boundaries blog.)
The part most parents miss is dealing with their own reaction to their child’s attitude and emotions around this topic of limits/agreements. Often you think that since you are handing the big responsibilities of providing shelter, clothing, food, rides etc. for them that your child should be grateful and just cooperate.
But kids don't. They push back. They yell NO! They don't do chores. They don't get ready on time. They don't listen to you. They don't get off screens when you ask. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING!!
This rational response of thinking your child should just cooperate actually blocks your ability to connect with them. You’ve probably forgotten what it feels like to be their age and to have so little power in your world, so few needs met like agency, being seen, accepted, understood, emotionally validated.
In fact, most parents from previous generations didn’t receive this level of focused connection either so didn’t know how to give it to their kids; but it’s essential. (They didn't have a parent coach back then!) So you have the doubly hard job of learning emotional intelligence while trying to experience it with your kids. Big job.
Holding a boundary is hard, intense and messy!! Be sure to give yourself LOADS of compassion and self care to fill your own tank before, during and after.
Then hopefully you'll have enough in your tank to give compassion and understanding to your child. It's messy, intense and hard on them as well.
Tune in for the next blog in our series on Setting and Holding Effective Boundaries.
Need help now? Get in touch.
It doesn't have to be so hard and you aren't alone.
Comments